You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
