Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
