3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
