I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I just googled if crying burns calories
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Randomize
