god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
