I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
