she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
