did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
