is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
