I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
just throwing this out there: period starts tomorrow sooo either sex tonight or not until tues/weds.
i get a bj anyways so it's really your choice.
k i'll be over in 5.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
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