Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
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