hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
