I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
