Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
