the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Randomize
