I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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