Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
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