No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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