So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
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