Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
