You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
