i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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