This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Im part way to drunk.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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