whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I could have mohawked her pubes.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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