You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
do herpes really smell.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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