Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Randomize
