Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
