i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Randomize