she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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