I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
