Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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