i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
