what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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