living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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