I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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