If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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