There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
