Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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