I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
