Farmville is her only friend.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Randomize
