The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
