I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
