She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
