Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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