So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
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