I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
