How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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