Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
