my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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