i always forget guys have bellybuttons
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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