Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
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