ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
