Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
