Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
the liver wants what the liver wants
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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