walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
