You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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