The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
