Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
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