she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Everyone says I win the strip club
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
